Hey, Again.

There has been no doubt, my absence here. To be honest, I have not had an ounce of energy to pour into this space that I so sincerely want to be on.

Honestly, 2019 started off rough. What year doesn’t seem to start of rough, I suppose? Regardless, I want to be vulnerable and truthful – This is where I have been…

IMG_5659.JPG

Last year was a hard one. 2018 was not the year I will remember fondly of. It was a stressful year, I was pregnant the majority of it (I don’t like being pregnant, at all), and we had a tragic loss in our community. With the start of 2019, I was tired and ready for the baby to just get out, already. Joyfully, I get to share that he did arrive on January 26. Any following on my Instagram will be able to see his sweet little face. My boy, Jaxx Joseph Suppé.

But here is the thing, the last 3 months have been hard. Sure, absolutely, having a newborn is such a sweet thing. I adore my little man. I cherish his sweet cuddles. I dream of all the things he will learn, how his personality will develop, and so much more. I love him beyond anything I could have imagined, prior to January 26. But the thing is, behind the sweetness of what a smiling momma and baby on instagram looks like, is a lot of sadness. The last 3.5 months have been brutal.

Jaxx’s arrival threw our family into a whirlwind of a life. With an extraordinarily challenging 3.5 year old who responded as I am sure most first borns respond to a new baby, and all of the postpartum hormones ranging inside of me; I was a sad, sobbing, heart-aching momma. One part of me knew it was coming. When Russell was born, I dealt with Baby Blues and was sad for most of the first month of his life. Despite the overwhelming love I had for him, I grieved the life I had before him, and felt guilty for it. I struggled seeing my husband’s role shift from only being mine, to now he is a father.

This time around, those blues came back with a force much stronger than the first. From the moment I laid eyes on Russell, after Jaxx was born, all the emotions I had came flooding in. He was no longer my only baby. Now I had another sweet boy so dependent on me that my main focus was him, and I felt guilty. Despite the overwhelming love I had for this new baby, I grieved the life Cody and I grew with Russ over the last 3.5 years. Cody as a dad, no big deal, I tackled that one and I have seen him in the role for long enough for it not to bother me. Russell was where I struggled. I laid in bed with him each night and sobbed after he fell asleep because I truly didn’t understand how to cope.

Weeks went by and the sadness did not disappear. It worsened. I had fits of anger that I could not control. My precious new baby (who loathes the carseat) would trigger me into a a spell of hysterical crying in the car when no one was looking. Russell not listening and challenging my every authority would throw me into a crazed woman who had zero control. Sleep deprivation began getting the best of me. My heart aches at these fresh memories, because this is not who I am. Cody and I have had to try and navigate this together even when it seems like we are each just trying to keep our head above water, on the daily.

Today, the sadness has subsided, not fully, however I am finding more joy in my days. Sleep is on the slow incline, although we are both still exhausted. Why am I sharing all of this? Because I have always been passionate about being truthful, especially in motherhood. What some might see on a nicely curated feed is rarely the story behind those posting it. Despite being perfectly aware how hard motherhood is, I still have a hard time navigating it. Postpartum still shocked me.

But, I know there is hope. There is always hope. Jaxx? He is such a sweet baby. A smiley little boy who bring us all so much joy, we just don’t know how to handle it sometimes. He still hates thew carseat, but we are working on that one as well. Taking it day-by-day. Thank you God for these boys I get to call my own!

Farewell 2018.

2018. You were a year that I did not expect. You were full of joy, yet full of sorrow. You started off with a bang, yet ended differently then I think many of us ever hoped or expected.

SUPPEFamily-MaternityPhotos-58.jpg

Like I am sure many others have done, I went and input my “top 9” for the year. I sat there and looked at the grid photos and began to cry. I saw photos of happy memories, and photos that reminded me of the pain that this year presented to us. This year was hard. It was painful. It was full of questions.

2018 was a lesson learner. A lesson I thought I knew without having to be taught really. The lesson of relying on God in all circumstances. I thought I knew that, but when the year hit us hard with tragedy, all I had was anger and questions. The “why does it have to be this way!?”.

SUPPEFamily-MaternityPhotos-113.jpg

We are looking forward and onward to 2019. Never forgetting about 2018. It will be a year we remember, forever. A year we think about. A year we look back on. But we are excited to see what the new year has for us. For us in particular, it is going to be a new year of a new family member and for that, we are so excited for. Thank you, God, for the gift of another year.

My Wildest Adventure

He is my WILD CHILD. He made me a mother. He is certainly not the easiest kid, I am sure of it. However, he is my sweet boy. The one who leans over to me and tells me “I uff you!”. The one who seems to only want to please, and is heart broken when he doesn’t. He is a tester of his limits, of the boundaries being set for him.

Russ102818-229.jpg

As he sees my belly grow bigger, he gives it a hug and kiss and tells me that he is excited for baby brother. I have this nerve in my stomach as we approach the end of this pregnancy. The nerve flashes from excitement to a small hint of sadness. This sweet boy, right here, has been all I have known in my course of Motherhood, for the last 3 years. He has been my only child. I have poured my heart and soul into him and it is so hard for me to imagine being able to give this amount of love to any other person. I KNOW, I KNOW, every mom says this when they are adding to their family. Just as I didn’t know what this love would feel like, prior to being a mother; I know, I have no clue that I will be able to love another sweet boy to the same magnitude that I love this one, right here.

I am excited for this – yet nervous. I pray every night that I can show my children how much I love them, daily. That neither of them (or any in the future), will ever feel less than ALL I have to give to them. I love you Russell. and I love you Baby #2. We can’t wait to meet you and give you all the hugs and kisses that have been being given to my belly. I can’t promise I will be perfect, but I promise I will always try my hardest to be the best mother I can be to you.

Change in Seasons.

Seasons – I love seasons. Seasons, to me, show proof of the omnipresence of God. His doing in all things. The world rotates. The seasons shift. The climate changes. So does God’s living creations. And this natural thing happens…everything adjusts. As we are supposed to. It is beautiful to see. But there is different kinds of change in the world, isn’t there?

IMG_2906.JPG

We all know this, it is inevitable. Change happens. If there is one thing I have grasped over the last few years is that I don’t like change. Change in my life, in my routines, in my “system”. It throws me off balance and I get worked up and flustered, reaching for some level of “norm”. The last few months have been change after change and I hate every part of it. But along with adjusting to change is also holding tight to God’s promises. This last month in particular has been a brutal one. Watching people you care about crumble in grief and sadness is a terribly hopeless feeling. Some days I feel sad, others I feel angry. Some days I feel fine and out of the blue, a thought pops into my head that sets it all off again. Odd how it all works that way.

I was listening to a song this morning that really filled me up. In the quiet of my car, when my thoughts often get the best of me, this song is what I needed to hear. We might not always like where we are at, the change that is happening, and maybe we even question what we are even doing; regardless, I have made the choice to worship God through it all. Grasping to His promise and to the comfort that can only come from Him. If the stars were made to worship, so will I!

Listen to SO WILL I by Hillsong United here