There has been no doubt, my absence here. To be honest, I have not had an ounce of energy to pour into this space that I so sincerely want to be on.
Honestly, 2019 started off rough. What year doesn’t seem to start of rough, I suppose? Regardless, I want to be vulnerable and truthful – This is where I have been…
Last year was a hard one. 2018 was not the year I will remember fondly of. It was a stressful year, I was pregnant the majority of it (I don’t like being pregnant, at all), and we had a tragic loss in our community. With the start of 2019, I was tired and ready for the baby to just get out, already. Joyfully, I get to share that he did arrive on January 26. Any following on my Instagram will be able to see his sweet little face. My boy, Jaxx Joseph Suppé.
But here is the thing, the last 3 months have been hard. Sure, absolutely, having a newborn is such a sweet thing. I adore my little man. I cherish his sweet cuddles. I dream of all the things he will learn, how his personality will develop, and so much more. I love him beyond anything I could have imagined, prior to January 26. But the thing is, behind the sweetness of what a smiling momma and baby on instagram looks like, is a lot of sadness. The last 3.5 months have been brutal.
Jaxx’s arrival threw our family into a whirlwind of a life. With an extraordinarily challenging 3.5 year old who responded as I am sure most first borns respond to a new baby, and all of the postpartum hormones ranging inside of me; I was a sad, sobbing, heart-aching momma. One part of me knew it was coming. When Russell was born, I dealt with Baby Blues and was sad for most of the first month of his life. Despite the overwhelming love I had for him, I grieved the life I had before him, and felt guilty for it. I struggled seeing my husband’s role shift from only being mine, to now he is a father.
This time around, those blues came back with a force much stronger than the first. From the moment I laid eyes on Russell, after Jaxx was born, all the emotions I had came flooding in. He was no longer my only baby. Now I had another sweet boy so dependent on me that my main focus was him, and I felt guilty. Despite the overwhelming love I had for this new baby, I grieved the life Cody and I grew with Russ over the last 3.5 years. Cody as a dad, no big deal, I tackled that one and I have seen him in the role for long enough for it not to bother me. Russell was where I struggled. I laid in bed with him each night and sobbed after he fell asleep because I truly didn’t understand how to cope.
Weeks went by and the sadness did not disappear. It worsened. I had fits of anger that I could not control. My precious new baby (who loathes the carseat) would trigger me into a a spell of hysterical crying in the car when no one was looking. Russell not listening and challenging my every authority would throw me into a crazed woman who had zero control. Sleep deprivation began getting the best of me. My heart aches at these fresh memories, because this is not who I am. Cody and I have had to try and navigate this together even when it seems like we are each just trying to keep our head above water, on the daily.
Today, the sadness has subsided, not fully, however I am finding more joy in my days. Sleep is on the slow incline, although we are both still exhausted. Why am I sharing all of this? Because I have always been passionate about being truthful, especially in motherhood. What some might see on a nicely curated feed is rarely the story behind those posting it. Despite being perfectly aware how hard motherhood is, I still have a hard time navigating it. Postpartum still shocked me.
But, I know there is hope. There is always hope. Jaxx? He is such a sweet baby. A smiley little boy who bring us all so much joy, we just don’t know how to handle it sometimes. He still hates thew carseat, but we are working on that one as well. Taking it day-by-day. Thank you God for these boys I get to call my own!