Farewell 2018.

2018. You were a year that I did not expect. You were full of joy, yet full of sorrow. You started off with a bang, yet ended differently then I think many of us ever hoped or expected.

SUPPEFamily-MaternityPhotos-58.jpg

Like I am sure many others have done, I went and input my “top 9” for the year. I sat there and looked at the grid photos and began to cry. I saw photos of happy memories, and photos that reminded me of the pain that this year presented to us. This year was hard. It was painful. It was full of questions.

2018 was a lesson learner. A lesson I thought I knew without having to be taught really. The lesson of relying on God in all circumstances. I thought I knew that, but when the year hit us hard with tragedy, all I had was anger and questions. The “why does it have to be this way!?”.

SUPPEFamily-MaternityPhotos-113.jpg

We are looking forward and onward to 2019. Never forgetting about 2018. It will be a year we remember, forever. A year we think about. A year we look back on. But we are excited to see what the new year has for us. For us in particular, it is going to be a new year of a new family member and for that, we are so excited for. Thank you, God, for the gift of another year.

My Wildest Adventure

He is my WILD CHILD. He made me a mother. He is certainly not the easiest kid, I am sure of it. However, he is my sweet boy. The one who leans over to me and tells me “I uff you!”. The one who seems to only want to please, and is heart broken when he doesn’t. He is a tester of his limits, of the boundaries being set for him.

Russ102818-229.jpg

As he sees my belly grow bigger, he gives it a hug and kiss and tells me that he is excited for baby brother. I have this nerve in my stomach as we approach the end of this pregnancy. The nerve flashes from excitement to a small hint of sadness. This sweet boy, right here, has been all I have known in my course of Motherhood, for the last 3 years. He has been my only child. I have poured my heart and soul into him and it is so hard for me to imagine being able to give this amount of love to any other person. I KNOW, I KNOW, every mom says this when they are adding to their family. Just as I didn’t know what this love would feel like, prior to being a mother; I know, I have no clue that I will be able to love another sweet boy to the same magnitude that I love this one, right here.

I am excited for this – yet nervous. I pray every night that I can show my children how much I love them, daily. That neither of them (or any in the future), will ever feel less than ALL I have to give to them. I love you Russell. and I love you Baby #2. We can’t wait to meet you and give you all the hugs and kisses that have been being given to my belly. I can’t promise I will be perfect, but I promise I will always try my hardest to be the best mother I can be to you.

Change in Seasons.

Seasons – I love seasons. Seasons, to me, show proof of the omnipresence of God. His doing in all things. The world rotates. The seasons shift. The climate changes. So does God’s living creations. And this natural thing happens…everything adjusts. As we are supposed to. It is beautiful to see. But there is different kinds of change in the world, isn’t there?

IMG_2906.JPG

We all know this, it is inevitable. Change happens. If there is one thing I have grasped over the last few years is that I don’t like change. Change in my life, in my routines, in my “system”. It throws me off balance and I get worked up and flustered, reaching for some level of “norm”. The last few months have been change after change and I hate every part of it. But along with adjusting to change is also holding tight to God’s promises. This last month in particular has been a brutal one. Watching people you care about crumble in grief and sadness is a terribly hopeless feeling. Some days I feel sad, others I feel angry. Some days I feel fine and out of the blue, a thought pops into my head that sets it all off again. Odd how it all works that way.

I was listening to a song this morning that really filled me up. In the quiet of my car, when my thoughts often get the best of me, this song is what I needed to hear. We might not always like where we are at, the change that is happening, and maybe we even question what we are even doing; regardless, I have made the choice to worship God through it all. Grasping to His promise and to the comfort that can only come from Him. If the stars were made to worship, so will I!

Listen to SO WILL I by Hillsong United here

My son and his new adventure...

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked if the photo I posted on Russell's first day of Preschool might be included in a video for Motherly about sending your kiddo off to their first day of school. As a big fan of Motherly, I said yes. I got the link this morning and I sobbed in front of my coffee this morning.

Russell is currently upstairs sleeping in, after a long day. I sit in front of my coffee at almost 8am, prepared to get a start on my day. As I watch the video link that Motherly sent me, I am flooded with so many feelings.

I feel like most weekends, when my husband and I have time to spend whole days together as a family, we continuously talk about how much we love Russell. How good of a boy he is and is becoming. When we get home late and have to transfer a sleeping boy from our car to his bed, sometimes we stand together and stare in awe and the beautiful gift from God we have been given.

IMG_2297.jpg

My "baby's" life beyond our home has began and it is from this point forward that I continue to sob at his accomplishments, his strengths, his gifts, and beyond. We are learning quickly as parents that it is a tricky dynamic – being okay with time, that is. I love watching him grow and feeling proud at this things he does. However – I feel sad that I can't carry him for more than a few minutes; that he corrects me if I am wrong about what is going on in his favorite little TV show; that he wants to attempt to dress and undress himself. As I said in my instagram post a few weeks ago... time has no mercy.

Happy Monday, friends. Make sure to hug your kiddos tight every day. It is another day time won't ever give us back.